Awareness

There are certain moments in life when you realize just how much time has passed. And they are scary. Sometimes I would rather walk around in ignorant bliss, not realizing the years that have slipped by me. I guess for a number of reasons,I suppose one of which is making me realize how old I have gotten! Sometimes when you stop to reflect on how many years has passed you realize just how much you missed. Or how much people have changed, both good and bad. There is a great deal that I have missed in the last 10 or 11 years. I wish I hadn't. But the reality of it is, I did. I guess I feel that time has a way of making things seem different than they were.

Eight years ago today, I called to wish my mom a happy birthday. We had just gotten home from the hospital with Little P, who was a whopping 5 pounds at that point. I remember the day being unusually warm for the end of November in New York, at least 65. It was sunny, and gorgeous. We talked for a few minutes, I remember feeling odd, that this was the first birthday that I had not been with her in my whole life. As we were saying good bye, she stopped me in mid sentence, and very quietly asked me what my name was.

My mom would have been 55 today. Brain Tumors are a under researched medical problem. When she was diagnosed, she was given a 5% chance of survival. We were able to have 14 months together, and I am unbelievably thankful for every moment. The research is not supported enough, and there is such little known about the origin and rate of growth of specific types of brain tumors, due to the inability for exploratory surgery because of the locations of the tumors in so many patients.

Duke has The Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Center. They strive for a cure, actively researching every moment. If you have ever had this effect your life, you will understand the frustrations that follow the diagnosis. There is a lot of uncertainty where traditional cancer treatments are not effective or quick working enough. The rate that brain tumors can grow is staggering. The doctors at Duke reviewed my mom's case, they were supportive and personal. I would support them to continue their research so more people have a bigger and better fighting chance. My mom was a fighter, right up to that last breath. She would want more people to be better educated about this. Early warning signs are easily overlooked in so many cases or even misdiagnosed, click here are some examples. Take a moment to read, be educated, be aware, be around to celebrate as many birthdays as you can.

Little P's Birthday

Little P's birthday was wonderful. She is the most appreciative little girl I have ever seen! She was so excited for what she got, and never once did we hear "but I asked for..." She was all thank you's and smiles! She was ridiculously happy over the cupcakes, not my finest, so you will not be seeing them here! I still reserve the right to censor, and apparently pink kitty cupcakes are not in my repertoire of things I do well....
This is the robe that I was making for her.
She has been wearing the same one I made for her a number of years ago a lot lately. A subtle plea for a new one? Who knows, but it worked, so now she has a new one to keep her cozy for a few winters to come.

She is in love with American Girl Dolls, this is Elizabeth:
A gift from her California livin' grandparents. She started talking about wanting a American Girl doll a while ago, and as chance would have it, one of the last trips that brought the grandrents home, they brought her these:
Furthering her want for a doll of her own. So I went on-line and ordered a catalog that she could brows through, and that she did. She would lay on the floor in her room and pour over the pages armed with a pink marker, agonizing over what to circle, it was almost painful to watch. But alas, she decided on one, and low and behold it was in her hot little hands on her birthday, I am not sure I have ever seen her smile like that.

She also got these, both the dog and the cat for her doll.
Her super cool Aunt K and family got her the Bratz styling head, she loves Chloe, so this was huge! And it comes with makeup and nail polish... oh man the messes you could make are endless!
Dinner went really well, as promised she got lobster, thank goodness for Sam's Club!
Her other request was twice baked potatoes, before:
After:
I think those were influenced heavily by her dad.. very sneaky... She went to bed a very happy pumpkin, declaring this the best birthday yet!

Flowers for Little P

Boots is feeling like junk, so he has taken lots of baths lately.
Steam does wonders for little ones. He was having the best time with the bubbles. And I have a feeling that he didn't need as many baths as he was taking, it was just so much fun how could he say no?

Little P has begun to receive her gifts for her birthday tomorrow. The ones that come in the mail we usually let her open them when they come. So a few days ago she got these:

Illustory, considering how much the girl loves to write and draw, this was perfect! You get to write a story, draw all of the illustrations and then you send it in to this company, and they send you back your very own, hardcover book. Pretty sweet!
And this game, I have never heard of it, but kind of being a country girl myself, pigs kind of sound like fun....
And today when she got home from school she was greated by these:
Her first ever delivery of flowers. They were from my Aunt and her family, whom Little P just adores!

I have to finish up with her present, which I will be hand sewing on tonight. Thank goodness it's pretty much done. Talk about last minute....

Sweet or Creepy?

So I made this apple pie for Thanksgiving. When I was making the face before I put it in the oven I thought it would be cute. When it came out of the oven all hot and bubbling, the look turned , " I will come alive when you sleep and kill you, " creepy.... Not exactly the look I was going for!

Tomorrow

I figured out long ago that time is not a guarantee. I cannot say," Oh, I can do that tomorrow," and feel okay about it. It hangs over my head like a lead balloon, because do we really know for each and every one of us that tomorrow will come?

Don't get me wrong I do say that about doing the dishes when Boots tugs at the bottom of my shirt and says Momma, come nuggle with me in my cuzzie chair.... You bet, those dishes can wait. Or when Little P wants to read to me and I am cleaning. Once again the dust will definitely be there tomorrow but her urge to read me The Littles, may not. Or when I am folding laundry and Mr. Fantastic appears in the door way with a movie in one hand and popcorn in the other, do I tell him, Not now, I am folding towels? No, I shut the dryer, off the light and enjoy the time.

If life has taught me anything it is that taking time for granted is dangerous.

If it's important, do it.

If you really feel the need to say something, say it, don't wait, you may not get that chance again.

Be impulsive, it can be lots of fun, it can also be the most honest you have ever been.

Be true to yourself, how ever you can. Even if it's just a little bit every day.

It's sad to say, but I feel sometimes people go through the motions of living. They do what they do because it's socially acceptable, or expected, or worst of all, easy. But in that they can obliterate who they actually are. At times I also fall victim to this, at times it is unavoidable. But I refuse to live my life that way.

I am have been blessed firsthand with the knowledge that life can change forever in a single moment, sometimes in a simple word. So I try to live everyday to the fullest, I love every moment with my family, I am thankful for friends, both new and old. I am thankful that I get insane feelings, that overwhelm me to the point of not breathing, because that means I am alive enough to feel them. I am thankful that who I love, I love deeply, so far beyond the words. I am thankful that sometimes I have the guts to act on what I feel, purely, that is rare. I am thankful for unexpected phone calls. Is there anything more fantastic than hearing a person's voice that you care about. There is something deliciously soothing about certain voices. I am thankful for more time, every day I get is one more to enjoy. And I will take as many as I can get.

Name Change

After a trip to the vet today, we find ourselves with a little name change in order for the little ladies of the house.

Formally Lewis, now Pippin.
Clark now happily answers to Merry.
Sorry ladies for the mix up!
They may be making a little trip into Little P's school for a day before Thanksgiving treat! I will have to take pics if they do! Speaking of Thanksgiving, we will be with family this year and I have been asked to make dessert. So I will be making an apple pie and this:
Does it seem to blasphemes to not have actual pumpkin pie? I mean this IS pumpkin? The pic is not the best but it's called a Pumpkin Roll with Vanilla Cream and Caramel Glaze. It sounds good, all except the caramel that is, but since I will be sticking to eating real food with no real room for dessert I will put it on there as an extra deterrent for me! What will you be making this year for turkey day?

Could We Get Any Crazier?

Okay, it's official we are CRAZY! A while back we lost Hopey.
Not like can't find her lost, but lost her to the great tuna can in the sky. I took it a little harder than I thought I would, and said then and there that we would not have another cat in this house. And I meant it. Because we didn't get A cat, we got TWO cats. So there, see it's all about semantics. Usually I am pretty hard on my resolve. If I decide something I have taken a long time to come to that decision and I am not bending on it. This however was a half hearted attempt at protecting everyone from more loss. However, with out loss, you don't have gain, so may I introduce you to...

Lewis
and Clark.......
Who could say no to these faces? Well obviously we didn't. And I have to be thankful for Mr. Fantastic on this one. Turns out he really wanted another cat, and he listened to me when I said no, and waited ever so patiently for the perfect opportunity that even I couldn't turn down. Sneaky little devil. He told me after looking at these two little balls of fur with trouble written all over them, "Well, at least we are crazy together."

We will be in for an interesting holiday seeing as though kittens LOVE ornaments and trees! But that should also make it fun. And that I wouldn't have any other way.

Bread, Glorious Bread

In the continued effort to drop pounds and not starve, I have become addicted to these.
Father Sam's pitas. I stuff them with pickles and brown spicy mustard, I know, gross right? But I love them! I get the mini wheat ones and Boots is now just as addicted. It's just enough actual bread to curb the craving but at 100 calories each, I fail to see what I can complain about!

Today

I was away this weekend. I am hardly ever away from my kids or Mr. Fantastic, I was thrilled to roll back into town on Sunday. So Boots and I have spent the whole morning playing, building large cities with hordes of blocks. Gotta make up for lost time ya know!
Little P and I had some time this morning before she went to school and I have a special snack planned for her when she gets off the bus!

A few weeks back Jenn and I went to a Hidden Treasure Sale, it is kind of like a garage sale, it's in empty houses, and technically it's a business that does it, so when you go, you pay tax. It's strange, I know, but you can find some really great stuff, and most of the time you forget all about the tax when they tell you that everything is half off.

I found this
I love milk glass, there is something about it that takes me back to being little. My mom had a lot of it, so did my grandmother. I used to love to see the table for Easter, looking so clean filled with milk glass bowls and dishes. I always keep my eye out for it. I pictured this filled with daffodils, my mothers favorite flowers in the spring... Can't wait.

Countdown....

My Little P will be 8 in 20 days, she has been on the count down for a while now. I am not sure I have ever seen her this excited for a birthday. She has already decided on her birthday dinner, which is very considerate! Since I will be shopping for and making this dinner it's kind of nice to know a head of time. She wants lobster.... yup my little 8 year old Little P is requesting lobster for her birthday. And since the rules are you get to pick what ever you want to have for your birthday dinner, I will be making just that.....

She would also like a sleep over, with 6 little girls. That we can handle. I am sure it will go better than their previous sleep overs!

I realized a while ago that I hadn't posted a pic of Boots as penguin.... so feast your eyes on this!
Have you ever seen a happier penguin? And he lasted the whole night this year, I think his sister was ready to throw in the towel before he was!

I am still trying to come up with an idea for ornaments this year, every year I make sets of ornaments for the fam. It started out as a necessity gift, when my sister-in-law and her husband were just starting out and really didn't have any ornaments. Now it's just part of tradition. So got any great idea's ? Send them my way!!!!

Complete

It's that time of year again. Fall, every year makes me want to go home. I usually don't, because I am well aware that what I want, isn't there. But that doesn't stop the desire. The cold in the air brings on the restless nights, the chill to the bone that invades my body, but is not because of the weather. This is the time of year that I think back on my life. I am happy with most of the choices that I have made. I lead a very lovely life, a mostly full life. But there are parts missing, parts that try as I might, I cannot fill in.

I am a person that believes in fate. Everything happens for a reason. Even the crap we don't want to happen and can't explain. Because supposedly in the grand scheme of things what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I can say I think this is true, I have a will like iron, and my pride will kill me one day, so how true does that actually make that statement? Make no mistake about it, I don't think that being incredibly prideful or super strong willed is anything to brag about. I could do with being a little more passive. I blame some of it on my genetic make up. I am French and Native American. If that isn't an inherently fiery will I don't know what is.

I not good at displaying emotion. Well, I am not good at displaying emotion correctly, how's that? Better? Good. Anyone that even knows me just a little knows that I just shut down when I feel overwhelmed by an emotion. I have fought all my life to not be ruled by them. But feelings are so different from people. I can walk away from people if I want to, and quite often do. Feelings haunt me, they follow me for so long I almost forget the actual event that made the feeling in the first place. But that feeling, it's like scar tissue, it's thick and mean looking, an angry red that fades over time, but never completely goes away. I have mentioned before that I think people in general mishandle trust. I have incredible issues with this, so for my 30th birthday present to myself, I will be creating my own scar tissue, my battle with trust etched into my flesh.

I asked a good friend of ours to draw me a full back tattoo. I gave him a few things that were very important to me, and sent him to be creative. What he came back with is breath taking, and for me, emotionally overwhelming.
It is ready to be redrawn by our tattoo artist friend. It will have longer wings, they will go 3/4 of the way down my back, the detail in these are amazing, I am so in awe.
The trunk to the tree will be thinner and a little more feminine, a little more wispy. But the blocks are broken and crumbling and perfect in every way. I have waited for a long time to find a safe place to put roots down, and here in this life, I have it.
My decision to continue to alter my body is in my own way a way to make myself deal with things I'd rather walk away from. Tattoos for me are sort of a road map of my growth as a person. I believe in permanence, I would never put anything on my body that I didn't feel completely connected to. This is for me, and me alone. There is something about that ink sweeping over your skin, the intensity of it is indescribable. The act it's self requires a great deal of trust, again an experience for me.

Nothing seems to change my desires to return to where I came from, it does however makes me more aware of what it is that I am hoping to find from going there. I miss that part of me, and I never want to forget it. Who I was then is why I am who I am now. Unlike so many people I know, I don't want to forget the past, I want to learn from it. Perhaps if I have a permanent daily reminder of growth and freedom and trust, I will feel differently, more fulfilled.... more complete.

Dear Santa

Boots has a new obsession, he loves boats and castles and pirates and knights. Well they are kind of the same type of thing sort of. They all carry weapons and have entirely too much chaos surrounding them.

He plays endlessly with this:

He has a bunch of Playmobile pirates and treasure chest and doubloons. Hours of fun.

Yesterday he saw a comercial for this:
He immediately decided that he needed to write to Santa right away and fill him in on his new desire. It was only the second of November.... that leaves me with 53 more days worth of desperate notes to Santa....