Sunday, November 05, 2006

Complete

It's that time of year again. Fall, every year makes me want to go home. I usually don't, because I am well aware that what I want, isn't there. But that doesn't stop the desire. The cold in the air brings on the restless nights, the chill to the bone that invades my body, but is not because of the weather. This is the time of year that I think back on my life. I am happy with most of the choices that I have made. I lead a very lovely life, a mostly full life. But there are parts missing, parts that try as I might, I cannot fill in.

I am a person that believes in fate. Everything happens for a reason. Even the crap we don't want to happen and can't explain. Because supposedly in the grand scheme of things what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I can say I think this is true, I have a will like iron, and my pride will kill me one day, so how true does that actually make that statement? Make no mistake about it, I don't think that being incredibly prideful or super strong willed is anything to brag about. I could do with being a little more passive. I blame some of it on my genetic make up. I am French and Native American. If that isn't an inherently fiery will I don't know what is.

I not good at displaying emotion. Well, I am not good at displaying emotion correctly, how's that? Better? Good. Anyone that even knows me just a little knows that I just shut down when I feel overwhelmed by an emotion. I have fought all my life to not be ruled by them. But feelings are so different from people. I can walk away from people if I want to, and quite often do. Feelings haunt me, they follow me for so long I almost forget the actual event that made the feeling in the first place. But that feeling, it's like scar tissue, it's thick and mean looking, an angry red that fades over time, but never completely goes away. I have mentioned before that I think people in general mishandle trust. I have incredible issues with this, so for my 30th birthday present to myself, I will be creating my own scar tissue, my battle with trust etched into my flesh.

I asked a good friend of ours to draw me a full back tattoo. I gave him a few things that were very important to me, and sent him to be creative. What he came back with is breath taking, and for me, emotionally overwhelming.
It is ready to be redrawn by our tattoo artist friend. It will have longer wings, they will go 3/4 of the way down my back, the detail in these are amazing, I am so in awe.
The trunk to the tree will be thinner and a little more feminine, a little more wispy. But the blocks are broken and crumbling and perfect in every way. I have waited for a long time to find a safe place to put roots down, and here in this life, I have it.
My decision to continue to alter my body is in my own way a way to make myself deal with things I'd rather walk away from. Tattoos for me are sort of a road map of my growth as a person. I believe in permanence, I would never put anything on my body that I didn't feel completely connected to. This is for me, and me alone. There is something about that ink sweeping over your skin, the intensity of it is indescribable. The act it's self requires a great deal of trust, again an experience for me.

Nothing seems to change my desires to return to where I came from, it does however makes me more aware of what it is that I am hoping to find from going there. I miss that part of me, and I never want to forget it. Who I was then is why I am who I am now. Unlike so many people I know, I don't want to forget the past, I want to learn from it. Perhaps if I have a permanent daily reminder of growth and freedom and trust, I will feel differently, more fulfilled.... more complete.

2 Comments:

Blogger Jennifer W. said...

Wow...just...wow...

You grow, girl...

8:43 AM  
Blogger Ko Jo said...

Love it! can't wait to see the masterpiece in its' entirety.

8:19 PM  

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