The Cold Hard Truth

Boots was playing this morning with his silly putty , he sat quietly for about 3 minutes and then the questions started. He's three, that is what I do all day long is answer them to the best of my ability. So when he asked me what trust meant I gave him the best answer I knew that he would understand. I told him that trust means you know a person will never let you down, and you feel safe with them. He said," Do you trust everyone Momma?". I wanted to lie and say yes of course, and I kind of did. I told him I trust the right people. He then went back to playing with his silly putty, bored with our conversation. I was then left to think about trust and how I really feel about it.

In my opinion,there are two types of people in this world. There are the people who will trust until given a reason not to, and those who will not trust you one ounce until you have earned it. I am the latter. I am not proud of this fact, and I have unfortunately been this way all of my life. But not with out reason, I have tried to give trust out first, it never works for me and I am done getting burned. I have had my disappointments, everyone does, I just never forget them. I will not put my self in the weak ass position of being a victim. Not for something that I can control. I am accountable for every decision I have ever made, good, bad or indifferent, I own them all. Which also makes me sole owner of my choice of information that I put out there. I often find myself envious with just a hint of curiosity of those people who are open and accepting, I am a very private person, I just can't open up like that. It feels like major exposure to me. What are you doing with a blog then, you might say, well I can censor every part of what I put out there. And I do, it's my security, and if you don't like it, then stop reading. If you respect my need and right for privacy, but also recognize that I want to share some of my life with you, then by all means, read on.
I want to point out that I am not a vengeful person, nor do I dwell on crap in my past, but it does linger from time to time. This is why I never go back to where I grew up, I'd rather leave all of that there. Not to be confused with me thinking that I am better than that. Some things are just too painful to face, so cowardly or not, I do not go back there. Life is not black and white, there are so many shades of grey to explain why I am who I am. Recently someone who knew me a long time ago commented on something I said to them as being nice in a me kind of way, as much as I tried to forget that comment, it is burning a hole in my skull. I would love to know what he meant by that, however I will never ask. See, not all black and white, shades of grey and a little color now and then.
I do want to give my children the best possible example of what to learn by, and I suppose I do show them that, even if it's not entirely true to my own way. Let me explain, when ever Little P meets someone new, I encourage her to get to know her new friend, and she immediately regards them as friends. I don't know if it's the age or what, but she always describes new people she has met as a new friend. Again, a characteristic that I think is very admirable, but a little scary. When I meet people, I am immediately on guard. See the HUGE difference?

I want them to grow up respectfully careful but not super guarded like me. I don't want them to miss out on relationships or experiences that they will need to grow later on, because I have coached them to protect them selves to an extreme level. I think there is a certain amount of openness that you need to possess at some time early in your life. It almost makes it so later on when things go wrong, you can pick your self up and go again. If you are not already set against the world, it makes it easier to think you can fix it.

I am quick to set people at arms length away. If you wrong me, I will never forget it. I can however forgive it, but that still doesn't put you back where you were before. In fact, that quickly places you over there with all of the others I have disowned. And once I have made that decision, I will never let you in close enough to harm me again. I understand that is not by definition forgiveness, well with me that is as close as you are going to get. I realize never is a very permeant word, and I have meant it every time I have said it. Do I think that perhaps this is a little harsh, and not leading by example is wrong? Yes, I do, however I am not comfortable with the carelessness that people treat trust with. I have worked to hard and to long to earn it with the people that I feel are important to me to disrespect them and the bond that we have created. On the other side of that, if I have ever told you that I loved you at any point in my life, I have and still do mean it with every fiber of my being. I am just as passionate about the depth it takes to really love someone, as I am about who I trust.

It is so important to me to give them the best possible starts in life, they are amazing and I am honored to be a part of their lives. I just hope that I am careful to not have them be too much like me.